If I had to let you go

If I had to let you go

Would I be strong enough?
Would I be strong enough if I had to walk away?

Would my knees hold me if I were to never see your face again? 
I miss you, without a doubt

I want to keep you for myself, forever
But it’s time that I faced the truth 

It’s time that I realized that you’re not just mine

That you never were just mine
I love you
And I know that you love me, too 
But you can’t be with me at all times, can you?
I understand

But a part of me dies every time I have to say goodbye to you, my love 
A part of me cries every time you’re not close to me
When I realize that I can’t hold you in my arms like I used to

When I realize that I can’t love you like I used to 

When I realize that I can’t look into your eyes like I used to

Because you’re not just mine
Would I be strong enough

If I had to let you go?
No. 

Never. 

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Addicted 

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I breathe you now

I smell you in every breath that I take

You’ve taken a toll on me

You’re like this drug that I’m addicted to

Any less of you will be the death of me

More and more of you is all that I want 

I crave the taste of your lips 

I crave your soft, warm breaths on my neck

I crave the time we spend together

Every second

Every minute 

Every hour 

Every day
Oh how the craving kills me when you’re not here

Dying, no matter how shallow and cowardly it may sound, seems like a better option than to exist without you

Than to crave you

Again, and again 

And again
See, it’s not easy to love somebody so much 

It takes immense courage

It takes sacrifice 

It takes a person willing enough to let go of it all, just to call you theirs 
You know that I’m willing to let go of it all, just to call you mine
One day, this addiction shall claim another victim

Or I shall rise above this addiction, and love you forever 
Forever, and Always
Be mine?

Could I Ever Forget?

I still remember her face so perfectly I remember it like it all happened yesterday 

Her hazel green tint eyes watching me, and every move I made 

It felt like I could encompass a complete lifetime in just a few seconds

Her eyes, beautiful as they were, with the slightest hint of a required droop, could instantly melt my heart and make me fall for her even more

Her adorable frown, when she saw me being an amusing disgrace all by myself 

Her laughter, oh the mesmerising laughter, when she cracked up at my pointless jokes

She was an amusing disgrace, too

But the only difference was that she never let anyone see her like that but me
The way her hair fell on her face, and made a ring of strands on her cheek on many an occasion, made me reach out my hand and let my fingers flutter through her locks

But she would stop me there, look into my eyes with an ocean full of unrequited affection, and arranged her hair while holding my hand, not letting go for even a second 
There were some days, gloomy, and rather grey, when I’d sit alone atop my roof, and strum random chords on my guitar

She would know that I felt lonely, almost like a heavenly connection, and would head to the roof, and rest her head against my shoulder, humming to the song I was playing

She lit my world up, inside and out, and the very sight of her made me forget that I even had a reason to feel down

Her very existence made me want to make amends with the world I had had the displeasure of agonising 

She changed me

She completed me

But, most of all, she needed me 

And I needed her, for I couldn’t breathe for even a second if I were to not see her face

But, she needed me

She needed my like a drowning man needs a helping hand in the middle of the ocean, but after salvation, forgets all about the one who helped him

She needed me, but for her, it ended there

Pretty soon, salvation was in her grasp, glorious and filled with intricate exuberance

Then, she let go of my hand, and reached out for what she had been looking for while she told me that she’d never leave

She left

And, without even sparing me a single glance, held his hand, kissed him, and disappeared from my life

Forever 
I remember it like it all happened yesterday…

Words I Might Have Said

I never thought that I’d be saying this to you

I’d hoped to keep it to myself and not let you suffer

To let you see the world through your inexperienced and naive eyes

And not let the second thoughts of betrayal and treachery cloud your vision

I know that I have been selfish in the past

But, that was just to let you know that I wouldn’t be able to bear the pain, if I were to lose you

But looking at things as they are now, it seems as though you never were mine

It seems that all the moments we shared weren’t really to be remembered 

And just to be buried under the debris of all the broken hearts and dreams

You know, I never told you how much I loved you, and needed you

And lived in false hope that you knew what I kept concealed in my heart

All the love, the desire, the joys, the tears, the passion, and the light

Maybe that is why you’re not here today

Maybe that is why you’re not with me

You’re somewhere else 

Lighting up somebody’s world who deserves you more than me

Who always deserved you more

And always will 

Maybe you never were mine..

Togetherness?

I’ve tried denying it

Have been denying it all along
But, as the good and the bad come to an end
I’d want us to be something
I’d want us to forget the lines of you and me, and purge beyond the wraps of sanity 
I know that I ask more than you can, and are willing, to give
Your time, your affection, your tears, your sorrow, your smiles, your adorable laughter; inexperienced and prolonged, but making me fall for you more with each passing moment, your frowns and scowls, your screams, yourself. 
I’ve been denying it
All along
But, deep down, I know that it’s been etched into my soul, togetherness is an expensive luxury
It demands sacrifice
It demands blood, and tears
It demands you to surrender yourself to unknown forces you have known not to exist 
It demands your life 
Petty payments, if you ask me
I’d be willing to let go of all worldly pleasures, if I were to see your face
I’d be willing to cut my heart out, if I were to touch your skin and tell you that I’m yours
I’d be willing to let my life hang in balance, if you were to take my hand and lead me to our little bower of love and ignorance, that I’d promised I’d build for us
Denying it, all along
Knowing that we were never meant to be..
Never.  

 

Breathless

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Breathless 

Have you ever imagined how Breathlessness feels like?
When you, willingly or unwillingly, let go of all tangible sensations, and all worldly pleasures, and emotions
When you let go of the stars you see glimmering in the marvelously painted night sky
And all the ashes that fall from your skin when you feel that familiar heat in your soul 
When you feel yourself burning up and letting go of what you so childishly think of as your life
When you let go of yourself
Have you ever felt that breathless before?
When you feel that the time of turning to dust, vaguely, but finally, has arrived
When you feel that all the things you called your own now laugh at you, scream at you, and pity you, for you are the one they see turning to dust
When your life, that very life you mistook for someone else’s and shed all your tears and blood to watch her become much more than she should have
Big enough to step on you and be possessed by the spirits of trickery and betrayal
When your life slips from your grasp and breaks into a million pieces of dreams that could have been, but never were
When you feel……….. Wait
Do you actually feel anything?
Except that numbing grip on your throat
Which asphyxiates you
Ever so slightly 
But enough to let you know that you command thyself no more
Except that same-old ring in your ears which you heard whenever you were in pain, or alone, with nowhere to seek shelter but under your very own roof built with the screams of vengeance and agony
Except oblivion?
So, do you feel anything when you are breathless?
Or should I say, it’s when you’re breathless that you really start feeling everything….. 

 

What I want 

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My affection

Who is it for?
I often ask myself this question
When I’m restless at night
Like the early morning Sun
Just aching out to rise and shine
Restless
Like my heart 
Which is in a constant battle as to whom it should pledge it’s allegiance to
The air in my lungs, or the one it beats for?
My heart
Home to a treacherous little soul
Screams of the havoc it plays with my feelings whenever I ask it to calm down
It tells me that the people at the beginning of the road to the Pearly Gate they admire and claim to be holy with such ostentatious exclamations, are completely oblivious to the fact about what I want
What I want
Is to just look into your eyes for a time longer than what people mistake for an eternity
What I want
Is to just wander off into the courtyard of your soul and build a small and appeasing bower for us to spend the rest of our lives in
What I want
Is to just hold you
To just place your hand in mine and fit your fingers in the spaces between my fingers
To just hold you
Ever so slightly like you are a delicacy I’d plunge into the face of Death itself to protect
What I want
Is to just crave the taste of those little lips like heaven
And to just caress your cheek until they say that it’s time for us to meet our maker
What I want
Is to just….be yours. 

The Sky

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The Sky

Do you know where is its origin?

It’s end?

It possesses the pleasures we on land dream of

Yet, it’s so lonely

We dream of touching the sky

Yet, it remains untouched

The serene beauty of the righteous clouds who represent the truth, the good, and the bad

The joy, the fear, and all the emotions we’ve never had

The Sky

You say that it’s quiet

I say that it’s that little piece of heaven that you can see and experience with all the rumblings and quivers

I say that it’s the most worthy companion, the one I share all my secrets with, the one I confide in

Don’t you?

Don’t you look up to the sky when you feel low?

Don’t you reach towards it when the world seems out of bounds?

Don’t you seek help from the sky when you swallow your tears, let go of the fears, and reminisce on the cheers?

I do

And all I can say is this

The Sky?

It’s there for you

It’s the one you befriend 

It’s the one who helps you overcome the darkness and move towards the life you’ve been dreaming of

It’s within you

Look deep into your soul, and you’ll find that the Sky

The Sky’s you!

Her

(Pre-Blog Note : I know I can never call her mine. And I know that I do not deserve her. But how do I stop thinking about her?) 

‘Her’ 

 Often, on sleepless nights
I feel my heartbeat 

I feel the blood gushing through my veins 

I feel myself heave with the need of air 

I feel my soul lay in my body like the dawn that was never meant 

Like the horizon with the endless memories 

Dichotomous memories 

Treacherous memories 

Ostentatious memories that reek of the boon of gaiety
bestowed upon the fortunate

The soul in the body is like thoughts in the mind
Thoughts which know no barr
The creation of imagination
The picture of a beautiful morning sky painted with the
colours of the grand
The picture of her
Her
The world’s most beautiful serenade
The loveliest melody
The most hurtful love song
A love song which I’ll never be able to sing
A love song, with whom I’ll never be one
She, who remains oblivious to my love
I, spending many a sleepless night feeling my heartbeat
My heartbeat, her.

Abandonment?

(Pre-Blog Note : I wrote this one for my Facebook a while back. Hope you guys find it pleasing!) 

 We lay together 

The same room

The same bed 

Even though we lay together 

There’s this strange feeling that pricks us 

Both of us 

Though looking into the depths of an ocean lost somewhere in our eyes 

Feel breathless 

In dire need of resuscitation 

A feeling of not being one 

 Passion 

Love 

Lust 

Dreams 

Waking up to something we’d never woken up to before 

Something heartbreaking 

Like breach of faith in a timeless bond
Like a kind refusal to the offer of a world full of pleasures and filth 

 Like abandonment 

 Abandoning what had been 

And will never be 

 Commencing something their hearts could never foresee…